My Hope for Better Conversations

Unless you live under a rock, you know our world is navigating conversations not only on a pandemic but sexual assault accusations against Joe Biden and greater awareness of racial tensions in the United States through the unjust deaths of Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and Ahmaud Arbery, resulting in violent rioting, peaceful protests, and talk of defunding police forces.

That’s a lot to talk about.

I’ve lived, physically and mentally, on multiple sides of the same issue. This doesn’t mean I’m the expert of either side (there are always more than two ways to think about something!) but it does mean I have a combination of experiences and beliefs that help me understand multiple perspectives.

• Geographically, I grew up in the pacific northwest in somewhat rural Alaska and currently live 30 minutes outside Boston, New England’s largest city.
• Politically, my home state is predominantly conservative. Massachusetts is a mixed bag in general but fairly blue where we live.
• Religiously, I learned about God in a charismatic, pentecostal church. Now, I worship in an older, liturgical tradition.

Some of these transitions were sudden and others, like the type of church I worship in, took years of thought and hard (tense) conversations.

Learn from my mistakes.

In no specific order I offer a few helpful tips and resources for the conversations that pop up in person or online. And yes, these are inspired from my past mistakes. *cringe*

Avoid black and white thinking. (Also known as all-or-nothing thinking.) Rarely anything in life fits neatly in black and white categories. Marriage is a perfect example. Two people merge their hopes and fears, along with their individual challenges and successes, to create a home. Any healthy marriage takes compromise to thrive. There must be a middle ground, a gray area for collaboration and partnership. This idea applies to all sorts of other relationships, both between individuals and communities. If there is no space for partnership, progress is already stifled.

Establish boundaries, don’t burn bridges. The end goal of constructive conversation, whether on the phone, in person, or digitally, should be understanding, not necessarily persuasion or agreement. If there is too much friction, try establishing guidelines to keep the dialogue respectful. Boundaries can target language, accurate sources, time to reflect, method of communication, etc. The relationship is important. Some topics are especially heavy and need more than one try to reach understanding. If this doesn’t seem to work, it has been my experience that ending the relationship should be the very last option.  

Think first, share later. There is ample pressure in our (digital) society today to be able to quickly articulate an opinion on any given subject at any given time. Sometimes this pressure leads us to saying or sharing ideas that aren’t well thought out or that we don’t actually believe. Give yourself permission to listen and research on a topic before hastily regurgitating something. In light of recent incidents of police brutality, I do not mean that you should “wait for all the facts” before condemning violence, but it is important that your “social media activism” is a reflection of your broader-richer-larger real life and not simply a collection of squares on a screen.

Avoid demonizing or stereotyping the other person or view. In high school I went to a conservative summer camp that required us to watch a film detailing the demonic roots of the democratic party, which they believed was actually the communist party. It was confusing and misleading, to say the least. We often fear what we don’t know. To think differently or to interpret scripture differently does not have to be a threat to good dialogue. Rather than assume their position, ask open-ended questions. Stereotypes and nicknames (I’m sure you can think of a few!) for either side are not helpful and do not promote collaboration.   

Establish shared language. Communication is so much harder without shared language. And language is constantly evolving! (Language changes or it dies.) Even if you both speak the same global or local language, you may find you have different definitions for or understandings of terms like faith, God, home, patriot, freedom, truth, evangelical, race, sex education, feminism, social justice, conservative, pro-life, etc. Locate these terms in your conversation and be sure to graciously clarify what the other person means.

It’s okay to say, “I don’t know.” Humility, whether you believe you’re right or wrong, is crucial for constructive conversations. It’s okay to sit in the tension. Making excuses, getting extremely defensive, or stonewalling the other person isn’t good. It’s arrogance. There is no one in the world who has it all figured out. Events, ideas, and people, even the scriptures, have layers.

Hopefully you find this helpful. Do you have any advice to add?

Additional resources for better conversations:

• Disunity in Christ: Uncovering the Hidden Forces that Keep Us Apart by Christena Cleveland
• On Being Seen and Heard — Unlocking Us with Tarana Burke and Brene Brown
• Woke and Well with Courtney Leak – TedxGreenville
• Fake News & Media Literacy – The Liturgists Podcast
• How to Spot Fake News – FactCheck.org
• The Political Spectrum (and other resources for recognizing bias)
• Pew Research Center’s Religious Landscape Study
• Interpreting scripture – Pew Research Center
• Engage Conflict Well: A Guide to Prepare Yourself and Engage Others in Conflict Transformation
• Pantsuit Politics: “a podcast for real conversations that help us understand politics, democracy, and the news – while still treating each other like thoughtful human beings.”