Our First Year in the Episcopal Church

For someone like me who grew up in a non-denominational, charismatic church, the Episcopal church*, along with other denominations, were synonymous with secular culture. I wasn’t totally sure what they believed. Do they believe in grace? Are they spirit-filled? What do they really think of Jesus?

In 2015 I moved from a moderately sized, non-denominational community to a Sunday morning gathering with meditative music, scripture readings, prayers from a book, and a guy who wore a white collar. Drawn to this style of worship, I began appreciating the value of ancient liturgy, the church calendar, and the Book of Common Prayer. Although not an official Episcopal community, it offered a gentle introduction. 

Even though I loved the liturgy and studied some social justice in college, it took some time before I was ready to consider the Episcopal tradition home. At times it felt “too out there.”

In 2018, I came home one evening from a seminary class. The entire course discussed intersectionality and theology, and this particular session had presented a fork in the road, so to say. After plopping my backpack on the floor and taking a seat across from Aaron at the dining table I said something like “we need to make a few changes.” Luckily he was interested and we started talking. 

The very next Sunday we walked right through the front doors of our current parish, unsure of what we would find. We were completely surprised by how many faces we recognized as we sat down. It was a bit of a (calculated) risk but one we’d take again. We’ve settled in this past year, taking it all in, and getting to know new friends and old hymns. 

Flowers we brought home from our Easter service.

If you’re curious what we like about it, here’s a few things that have stood out to me this past year, in no specific order. (Obviously these elements are not exclusive to the Episcopal tradition, many other communities share similar practices or thoughts.)

Embracing Ancient Mystery & Modern Questions

This was what initially drew us to the Episcopal tradition. The more I studied theology and considered all the “answers” I had stored away, the more I realized I had harder and bigger questions. I craved a space that appreciated the ambiguity of scripture and allowed room for discussion and contemplation. My questions are welcomed and given no easy answers. Neither my intellectual instincts or my past mystical experiences are shamed. The Episcopal church is often called a “big tent” which means a variety of theological beliefs and convictions (progressive and conservative, republican and democrat, army and navy, etc.) are hosted in one tradition. 

We begin each service with a prayer to love God and love others. We hear scripture read aloud and taught by both women and men. Corporately, we confess sin and pray for others. We say the Nicene creed. We “pass the peace” to those around us and take communion. Simple, meaningful, holy.

“Anglicanism has long been known as the via media, the “middle way” between two traditions. The Episcopal Church has also helped me navigate the middle way between unbelief and dogmatism. Ours is a faith handed down from the apostles, but not one so fragile that it cannot cope with science, with new findings about the origins of the universe, ourselves, or whatever else we might discover.” 

— Ben Irwin, 11 Things I Love About the Episcopal Church

Worship as a Lifestyle

There is so much to say on this topic. I’ll keep it brief.

I had wrongly assumed the worship and community would be stale and outdated, not realizing how much I craved the depth and reverence of the liturgy. And how much I needed the weekly wisdom of those who have lived a little longer and differently than me! We sing songs or scripture throughout the entire service, sometimes standing up and other times sitting down. I really love this approach, even though I can appreciate the contemporary concert-style every once in a grand while, too. The hymns are rich and beautiful. (Aaron sings them way better than me.) There is a whole art form to sacred music that I’m beginning to learn about.

Yet, we know worship isn’t just singing. The Episcopal tradition especially, believes worship happens each day through acts of faith and love. The Gospel isn’t limited to evangelism or a sermon, it’s a lifestyle of generosity and hospitality. Often this results in efforts to pursue justice for those with their “backs against the wall” as Howard Thurman wrote. The “prophetic” is approached from a different angle. I appreciate how our community, locally and globally, advocate for social initiatives such as food pantries, homelessness, climate change, interfaith issues, racial justice, art and music, LGBTQ+ equality, international partnerships, academia, military chaplaincy (a ministry close to our hearts!) and so much more.

Eucharist Every Week

Communion is a double edged sword for me. I think it’s one of the most mysterious and generous practices given to universal church. We devote almost half of our weekly service to the eucharist. It’s a beautiful sacrament we share together. (This video is a good one.)

Whether or not the bread and wine are a symbol or whether you believe that they are the literal body and the blood are up to you. I believe they have enormous power to change hearts, attitudes, lives, tear down prejudices, bridge gaps, and bring peace. I believe that in most cases, the elements speak louder than any sermon or hymn or prayer. Something mysterious and unfathomably beautiful happens at the table. It’s a place where any person, no matter what belief system or background they come from can come and receive the God of peace.

— Lindsey Hart (Link to original post no longer exists, sorry!)

On the other hand, it can stir up a few hard feelings for me. At one point in my life I could not kneel at the altar to take the bread and wine. My body would not let my knees touch the altar; I preferred communion served standing up. The power dynamic between the male clergy and myself, in a position of vulnerability, was too much for me. I felt anger and fear bubble up inside me. (Read some research on this.) These feelings have faded (healed?) for me as women have served at the altar and as I’ve grown in self-understanding, among other things. Still, I cannot take communion from Aaron when he assists in serving the eucharist. I’m not sure if I can fully articulate why. I make sure to place myself on the opposite end of the altar or simply attend an adult formation hour instead.

At this point in our lives we love our church community. By no means is it perfect but it does offer us ample space to be nourished and challenged to grow. We’re about to step into a hefty discernment process in 2020 as Aaron discerns the priesthood. It’s about a year’s worth of meetings and prayer to confirm his desire to be ordained in the Episcopal tradition. And so the adventure continues.

These are just a few brief thoughts as we continue to explore the body of Christ via the Episcopal church. I’d love to hear what you love about your place of worship!

Curious? Confused? Here’s a few other experiences: 

*Christianity is very diverse and includes hundreds, if not thousands, of denominations (or flavors) of the Christian faith all over the world. The Episcopal tradition is one flavor in the larger Anglican Communion, which is another tradition. 

The Handmaid’s Tale: Traditional Gender Roles

(If you’re not familiar with The Handmaid’s Tale, either the TV series on Hulu or the 1984 novel by Margaret Atwood, here’s a five minute summary on YouTube. The TV series alters and adds a few details but remains true to the general themes and events of Atwood’s original book.)

In both the book and the Hulu series, The Handmaid’s Tale presents layers of challenging social, political, and theological issues. There’s lots of ground to cover but here I want to focus our attention on the use of traditional gender roles and the normalization of sexual violence in Gilead.

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photo: startle.com

Gilead is Not Mere Fiction

As a theocracy, Gilead justifies it’s societal use of strict, traditional gender roles by scripture. Yes, this emerging nation is radical in some ways, but Atwood crafted her novel from events and concepts already present in society or history.

The creation of Gilead was a religious and political reaction to the perceived decrease in traditional values (increase in pornography and prostitution), and other social/political/environmental tensions. Sound familiar? You may be able to name several examples of similar reactionary movements in world history. I’m thinking of one example in particular, the defense of conservative values in the 1970s-1990s in the U.S.

Gilead creates a hierarchy based on gender, but also for different women, which you can read more about here. Two distinct, integral roles, defined “biblically” by creative interpretation of Genesis 30:1-3, are the wives and handmaids.

  • Commander’s wives, the counterpart of Rachel, are considered the ideal picture of femininity: respectful (submissive) of their place under men’s power, often soft-spoken and gentile, and ready to assume motherhood through the rape of the Handmaid by her husband.
  • Handmaids, the counterpart of Rachel’s maid, Bilhah, are fertile, enslaved women forced with the task of child-bearing through a monthly ritual of non-consensual intercourse. Handmaids lose any identity or agency of their own and assume the names of their Commander. (The name Offred comes from “of Fred.”)

The roles for women in Gilead stem from examples found in a literal reading (and justification of) Genesis 30. The scriptures have been used like this to condone horrors such as the Crusades, the silence or secondary nature of women, slavery, colonization, homophobia, and nationalism, among other tragedies.

What will the scriptures be used for next?

Sexism in Gilead’s Traditional Gender Roles

If we were to observe Gilead’s traditionally male-led households and government, how do men use the power they have? All women are secondary to men in Gilead through both hostile and benevolent sexism. A majority, if not all, of women’s agency is lost in the radical submission to men. Consent does not exist.

Image result for handmaids tale photos
photo: cw.com

Here I’ve listed a few examples of traditional gender expectations in Gilead with an evangelical comparison:

  • Men hold ultimate influence over others: Commanders and other men dominate the household, government, and security forces. Major decisions are made by men.
    • John Piper and others warn repeatedly against the influence of women over men in Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.
    • “God begins a husband relationship with us. He provides wisdom where we lack it. He is our protector. He fulfills our deepest desire… Yet as I submit to God, so must I submit to… my husband.” (Mom’s Devotional Bible NIV, 1996, p. 154, 745)
  • Identity is tied to the man: Handmaids are forced to surrender their old identities (names, families, vocations, often sexual orientations, etc.) and given the names of the men who regularly use (rape) them to procreate.
    • Not necessarily evangelical but women are expected to assume the name of their husband when they are married.
    • Deuteronomy 22:28-29 appears to encourage the marriage between a rapist and the survivor.
  • Women have no right to sexual agency or pleasure: Commanders and their wives do not appear to have sex with each other; Handmaids are to perform “their duty.” High ranking men have access to underground prostitutes. (The very thing that initiated the creation of Gilead.)
    • “…a man is able to attribute a spiritual meaning to sexual union, indeed a metaphysical experience. The woman’s story is entirely different… Her spiritual surrender is directed far more precisely at the person of her husband, perhaps at the hoped-for child. (Men’s Devotional Bible NIV, 1993, p. 710)
    • [Author describes initiation of sex between spouses by detailing a position a wife should assume.] “The husband finds this voluntary act of cooperation very exciting…” (LaHaye, The Act of Marriage, 1976, p. 102)
  • Cruel mistreatment of women: A Commander punishes his own wife by cutting off one of her fingers for merely suggesting the idea that women learn to read the Bible. Others are given permission to physically beat, burn, electrocute, mutilate, or kill those who are disobedient, most of whom are women.
    • “As heads of household wielding God-give authority, husbands are responsible to discipline, in order to protect their wives who “can’t — by [their] own power — change [their] lives.” (Women’s Devotional Bible NIV, 1994, p. 842)

Do any of these demonstrations of male power sound familiar? These are examples of hostile and benevolent sexism that promote rape culture and normalize sexual violence against women.

The Handmaid’s Tale is a reminder that not everything described as “biblical” is truly in agreement with the larger narrative of the Gospel.

Granted, this is not the only example we have of traditional gender roles in history, literature, or television. There are all kinds of experiences and theologies that inform this practice, some more healthy than others. Even so, research cannot ignore the numerous challenges associated between traditional gender norms and sexual violence.

Read more:

Crafting a Mission Statement for Marriage

On the topic of marriage, one of the more meaningful topics Aaron and I have recently discussed was a mission statement. It’s come up at a perfect time, too. We’ve been challenged in recent months to be more mindful in our relationship, vocation, and patterns of rest. A mission statement, although kind of corny upon my first impression, (can we find another name!?) has offered renewed focus as we enter our fourth year of married life.

Similar to developing a rule of life, a mission statement considers several categories. Aaron and I opted to keep it simple and chose to include spirituality, the physical body, the heart, and the mind. (We also included a statement that introduced the categories we chose.) You might prefer more general or specific areas. Just like the rule of life, this should relate to your particular context.

photo: steven schultz

This activity may stir up easy and not-so easy conversations. These are important but if you find yourself continually down the rabbit trail, focus on the ultimate goals for the relationship. What’s the big picture? How would you like to be remembered? This statement can be helpful by showing you where you’d like to go as a couple, even if your present circumstances aren’t what you’d like them to be.

Here’s a few questions to get you started:

  • What makes you come alive, as an individual/couple?
  • What factors strengthen the relationship?
  • Where do you want to grow together?
  • Where would you like to be in 20 years? 40 years?
  • Who would you like to be known as?

Below you’ll find the current state of our mission statement with a few descriptions. We expect it to adjust as we grow together and potentially expand our family. I hope that you’ll be encouraged and inspired to write one for your own relationship.

We aim to humbly honor the complete imago dei found in each person, in spirit, body, heart, and mind – reflecting the Trinity, which has no hierarchy. (In this introductory statement it was important for us to recognize each other as whole, individual reflections of God. We do not believe the act of marriage “completes” us, nor do we believe hierarchy, especially gender-based, is appropriate in our marriage.

We aim to engage with scripture, as well as offer up holy questions and creativity, to grow closer to the Creator and in our worship and witness to God’s eternal faithfulness. (We believe embracing uncertainty and mystery, as well as divine creativity and curiosity, is important to our faith and study of the Bible. It is also important to us that we refer to God with gender-neutral language whenever possible.)

We aim to holistically care for and share our bodies with love, respect, and wonder. With proper nourishment and rest we hope to be sources of generous hospitality for one another and others. (Although we have very different methods of achieving physical health, we both believe our bodies are extremely important to not only our individual wellbeing and also communal wellbeing in marriage and society. We recognize the human body is impressionable and powerful – something that requires deep respect and care. Physical spaces are important too, and significantly impact all other areas of life, thus our hope of generous hospitality either in presence or place.)

We aim to listen to one another empathetically, speak to the other with gentleness, and strengthen each other with truth and patience. (We could list the fruit of the spirit in this category but we’ll save that for another day. Both Aaron and I feel our emotions pretty deeply, and I’m stubborn as hell, so this is something we’re actively working on.)

We aim to pursue wisdom through thoughtful study of scripture and our world, in history and present day. We encourage the exploration of art, ideas, and stories to sharpen our minds (and imagination), direct our energy, and increase compassion for others. (Thoughtfulness and intellect are God-given gifts that we believe should be encouraged and continually developed in marriage. We hope to be lifelong learners.)

I only include the italicized descriptions for the purpose of this post, otherwise this statement isn’t too long. Your statement can be playful and concise, or detailed and romantic – as long as it reflects your mutual vision for marriage.

I created a reminder for us to hang somewhere in our home. (Still figuring out the perfect spot.) If you’re up for sharing, I’d love to see or hear about yours!

Rule of Life: An Ancient Practice for a Contemporary Life

There is always somewhere to be, someone to talk to, something to read or do, especially with the expansive grip the internet and social media (and politics) have in many people’s lives. The amount of information we consume each day can be overwhelming and stressful. In all of the “busyness” of life it’s very easy to find ourselves (and our calendars) in disorder.

Since reevaluating my priorities last summer (and some significant changes) I’ve been learning a lot about establishing some sense of order in my life. Believe me, there’s too many things we have no control over but it is possible to create new rhythms, or rather, practice ancient rhythms in our contemporary context.

photo: rod long

A ‘rule of life’ is just this. This practice is no stranger to the Christian faith. Saint Benedict crafted a rule for monastic life hoping to instill healthy habits for both individual and communal life. Many of his principles seem radical but his work encourages community, obedience, humility, and contemplation – things we can still benefit from today.

“Rule” sounds legalistic at first. And while you could apply it in this way, a rule of life is simply a tool to help us avoid “living life on accident,” as a professor used to say. We require blueprints to build almost anything of substance, like a house or business. Why not our lives, too?

“From the creative point of view, the monastic rule is an instrument for shaping a particular kind of life for which a person has deep and genuine desire.”

Thomas Moore, Preface of The Rule of Saint Benedict

Write your own eulogy.

To begin creating your very own rule of life, be prepared to brainstorm. There are a few different books on the topic of drafting a rule and they each have different approaches. You can create a list, outline, table, or even something more artistic. A holistic approach is required, no matter how you look at it, how you record it, or what your life consists of. Be prayerful and honest in your exploration. How do you intend to live your life? What legacy would you like to leave?

Draw a map.

You might begin listing your desires and priorities within general categories like head, heart, and hands, or body, mind, spirit. These categories may expand to include areas like, vocation, finances, health, relationships, spirituality, pleasure, etc. Even exploring your personality through the Enneagram may be helpful. Your goal is to evaluate and write down your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual goals within the context of your life.

Use your calendar.

The next step would be to organize your desires, goals, and priorities from each area into measurable steps. This is best done by using a timetable of daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annually tasks. You may find you prefer to use bi-weekly or bi-annually as well. This element helps keep you on track with your goals. For fun, you may also incorporate your goals to the liturgical calendar of the church.

Find some examples here.

photo: caleb george

There is no task or goal too simple or too large. For example, you may include brushing your teeth twice a day and scheduling bi-annual visits to the dentist. It may be important to you to write down relational goals, whether weekly meet ups with friends or colleagues, regular date nights, or family activities. You may include things as frequent as meal planning or spiritual disciplines and infrequent as spiritual retreats or vacations. This rule of life is for you, make it thoughtful and meaningful.

The rule exists as a tool. Allow it live alongside of you and assist you, not guilt or discourage you. As life inevitably changes, your rule may also need to adjust. Perhaps you welcomed a new member of the family, a career change, or your goals/needs simply shifted.

Like a trellis, a rule of life supports and guides our growth. It supports our friendships with Christ so that we bear the fruit of his character and are able to offer his nourishing life to others.

Ken Shigematsu, God in my Everything

For the hesitant.

If this ancient practice seems like just another thing you don’t have time for, don’t toss it out the window yet. Everyone has a rule of life. We have habits and patterns that structure our days but also years and decades of our lives. How would your life (or schedule, relationships, vocation, etc.) be different if you prayerfully replaced patterns of disorder with patterns of rest, discipline, and nourishment?

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 16:11

Additional resources:

Impure: Taking the Next Step

In this series we’ve covered many topics but you may be left wondering what you can do — right now, this week, in your lifetime — to prevent abuse and respond to sexual violence appropriately.

At the bottom of this post you will find a myriad of helpful resources including books, podcasts, blogs, even instagram accounts to check out and consider for your next step.

Advocacy

Pastoral Advocacy

Members of the clergy have a significant role in the life of the survivor. They can be a trusted (or highly mistrusted) figure. This role has too frequently been mishandled and research finds survivors are not likely to share their experiences with them. Because not all clergy are trained and ordained consistently, not all pastors are professionally equipped to counsel those impacted by violence and trauma and this can potentially re-traumatize those seeking help.

  • Clergy should not counsel couples where abuse or violence is suspected or reported. The context in which counseling takes place requires an openness and vulnerability that may be used against the victim outside the office. (Remember, abuse is centered on power and control.) To maintain safety, victims should be counseled idividually if possible.
  • Clergy should communicate their professional boundaries clearly and not assume they are appropriately trained to handle survivors’ often complex needs. If you find yourself in this position do not be afraid to refer someone to a licensed counselor, therapist, or social worker.
photo: etienne boulanger

While church leaders can be seen as a spiritual or physical shelter from harm, it is healthy for a pastor to admit they do not have all the answers. Just as survivors should be able to ask for help, clergy should, too. Pamela Cooper-White offers encouragement for clergy saying,

By simply offering presence, belief, and an unshakable confidence that she [or he] deserves a life free of violence – especially when she herself [or he himself] does not share that confidence—we are giving a gift of healing and empowerment.

Pamela Cooper-White, The Cry of Tamar: Violence Against Women and the Church’s Response

The Church as a Mediator of Healing

Community is powerful. It can be severely damaging but it can also provide healing. Just as members of a church can pass on legacies of shame and judgement towards recipients of sexual violence, they can also be the hands of hope and justice towards survivors.

  • Do not assume victims can heal on their own.
  • “God won’t give you more than you’re able to handle” (and similar sentiments) are a modified version of victim blaming.
  • Community members are liable for adjusting practices that perpetuate cycles of inappropriate use of power and control and continue to harm. Do not remain silent or passive to violence of any type. Speak up about the liturgy. About representation. About the church policies, if they exist.
  • Confess corporate sin and call for perpetrators to repent.
  • Invite survivors to participate in the sacraments and other volunteer opportunities. Jennifer Beste, professor of theology, suggests, “This simple act communicates to the survivor that he or she is capable and worthy of manifesting God’s presence and grace to the congregation.”

Forgiveness is a sensitive area. The word itself can spark intense emotions. In regards to the abusive actions of Larry Nassar, Rachael Denhollander (the first woman to accuse Nassar of sexual abuse) speaks on forgiveness in her victim impact statement.

“The Bible you speak of carries a final judgment where all of God’s wrath and eternal terror is poured out on men like you. Should you ever reach the point of truly facing what you have done, the guilt will be crushing. And that is what makes the gospel of Christ so sweet. Because it extends grace and hope and mercy where none should be found. And it will be there for you.

I pray you experience the soul crushing weight of guilt so you may someday experience true repentance and true forgiveness from God, which you need far more than forgiveness from me — though I extend that to you as well.”

Rachael Denhollander, read her full statement here.

Her full statement is moving. She continues to advocate for survivors.

More on forgiveness:

Accountability

A systemic problem requires a systemic solution. As the church, we are accountable for both personal (Matthew 23) and communal righteousness (Isaiah 58).

People need to be called out for their behavior, but beyond that their behavior doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It happens in the context of a society that creates space for that kind of behavior.”

Tarana Burke

Community Education & Training

  • Be informed on current local and national legislation that either protects (or exposes) survivors. The Violence Against Women Act, for example.
  • Conduct evidence-based, trauma-informed training for volunteers, staff, and others involved with professional or lay ministry. There are many national or local non-profit organizations that provide training.
  • Encourage participation in local efforts to protect vulnerable populations. Volunteer at domestic violence shelters or food pantries. Place cards with emergency help or hotline information in church bathrooms. Sexual violence intersects with many other social issues.
  • Establish a network of interfaith professionals who can assist survivors, domestic violence officers, therapists, social workers, etc.

Institutional Policies

  • Evaluate and adjust church policies to reflect a safe, scriptural, and ethical prevention of and response to sexual violence. Create policies if they don’t exist. Safety must be prioritized.
  • The hiring or screening process should be thorough for those serving the church, either staff or volunteer. There are ministries and consultants that can assist with the evaluation of institutional policies.
  • Hold leaders in all levels of political and religious offices (and everywhere else!) accountable for their actions. Period.
photo: nicole honeywell

Resources for the road.

Wherever your journey leads you I hope you’ve found this series helpful. Below is a starter-list of resources that may help you in your next steps, whether in your personal life or in your community. Some items are more progressive than others; each have valuable insights to offer.

Advocacy Organizations

Podcasts & Ted Talks

Books

Blogs

Instagram Accounts

  • @enagoski (Sexologist, sex educator, author)
  • @kristinbhodson (Sex therapist empowering families from LDS perspective)
  • @sexpositive_families (Discussion on raising healthy, informed kids)
  • @dr.thema (Minister, psychologist, researcher, author)
  • @sexedincolor (Podcast discussing sexuality)
  • @sixminutesexed (Podcast with short conversations on sex education)
  • @consentacademy (Teaching and discussion on consent)
  • @gottmaninstitute (Relationship experts!)

Read more in this series: