The Spiritual Practice of Befriending Silence

How do you know when it’s time to be silent?

(I want to acknowledge that we are a people living after 2020-2021. Our experience of solitude and silence may be influenced by factors related to the pandemic: multiple lockdowns, social distancing, loss of consistent communal gathering, etc. Silence may not feel as centering as it did before, in fact, it may bring up more challenging emotions or bodily responses. If this is your experience, I encourage you to explore these feelings with a helping professional, such as a therapist or spiritual director. )

Complete silence can hard to come by, even in our own bodies. A phone vibrating, the hum of the refrigerator, birdsong and rainfall, our own heartbeat, even the words we read fill our day with audible and inaudible noise. Some of this is helpful noise, much of it is hollow.

In his book, The Way of the Heart, Henri Nouwen reminds his reader of the constant stream of words forming “the floor, the walls, and the ceiling” of each day:

“Wherever we go we are surrounded by words: words softly whispered, loudly proclaimed, or angrily screamed; words spoken, recited, or sung; words on records, in books, on walls, or in the sky; words in many sounds, many colors, or many forms; words to be heard, read, seen, or glanced at; words which flicker off and on, move slowly, dance, jump, or wiggle…”

— Henri Nouwen, The Way of the Heart

He goes on to describe the ways in which words lose their power when used too much. I suspect you’ve experienced this in your own way. We tend to fill up “awkward” silences as if we’re afraid of emptiness. And yet, without silence, we easily drown in the waters of distraction, especially in prayer.

At first, silence may seem unnerving. And it can be vulnerable. Prayer without words, with true silence of the lips and heart, leaves no room for performance or pride. Our presence is all that is required.

“Sometimes I think we do all the talking because we are afraid God won’t. Or, conversely, that God will.”

— Barbara Brown Taylor, When God is Silent

Silence of the Mouth, Silence of the Heart

Silence is a spiritual practice that ultimately draws us inward. Even if we quiet ourselves and dim the environmental distractions around us, our hearts also ache for stillness. Our thoughts and desires, although not always audible, are noise we absolutely must put to rest when practicing silence.

The desert mothers and fathers, early believers of Christ, set out into the wilderness to embody their faith outside the societal structures of their day. (Christianity had just become legalized.) Centuries after their withdrawal, Christianity would continue to benefit from their writings.

The hesychasm movement is one example of their influence. Hesychasm, a Greek word meaning “to be still”, describes a form of prayer focused on inner stillness and silence of the heart as a means to be present with God’s eternal silence. One engages in this prayer with deep breathing and the repetition of the Jesus prayer (“Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”) While this style of prayer carries some theological questions, it is still practiced by Christian mystics and the Orthodox Church.

“The Word of God is born out of the eternal silence of God and it is to this Word out of silence that we want to be witnesses.”

— Henri Nouwen, The Way of the Heart

The abbas and ammas of the desert were confident there was life to be found in the “emptiness” of silence. Silence is not a sign of God’s absence, but rather a way to recognize God’s nearness and be conformed into the image of Christ. Consider some of their writings:

“Sometimes silence is not indicative of a lack of things to say, but a wise withdrawal until God provides the right opportunity for response.”

— Bishop Angaelos, The Sayings of the Desert Fathers

“Abba Macarius the Great said to the brothers at Scetis, when he dismissed the assembly, ‘Flee, my brothers.’ One of the old men asked him, ‘Where could we flee to beyond the desert?’ He put his finger on his lips and said, ‘Flee that,’ and he went into his cell, shut the door and sat down.”

— The Sayings of the Desert Fathers

“A man may seem to be silent, but if his heart is condemning others, he is babbling ceaselessly. But there may be another who talks from morning till night and yet he is truly silent, that is, he says nothing that is not profitable.”

— Abba Pimen, The Says of the Desert Fathers

Silence adds weight and depth behind the words we choose to use in conversation with our friend or in prayer. Whether through the Hesychasm style of prayer or through our own method, it is a practice that aids in our spiritual maturity and our relationships.

Incorporating Stillness in Each Day

Resting in silence usually requires intentionality. I invite you to experiment with the suggestions below. Remember what helps your heart to be still before God and begin integrating those elements into your life more often.

• Resist criticizing or gossiping about others for a set amount of time. A week, perhaps.
• Turn off the music or radio in the car on your daily commute to work.
• Turn off all notifications on your phone. Or better yet, turn off your phone for a day.
• Retreat to a quiet place (a closet or moment in the bathroom will do) and focus on only your breath.
• Take a walk or enjoy a meal with someone in silence.
• Participate in a silent retreat.

How do you practice silence?

What happens when you practice silence in these ways? How do these experiences influence your relationship with words or different forms of noise?