Guest Post: Purity Culture and Shame with Dr. Camden Morgante

I’m grateful to be able to introduce Dr. Camden Morgante to you here! In last few months Camden and I connected on social media via our shared interest in purity culture and Christian feminism. This is a growing field of interest for many and I believe the research she presents on shame is vital to healing, no matter where on the journey you might be. This information is important in the formation of a safe, healthy sexual ethic. I know you will greatly benefit from her wisdom and expertise in this post. (And please, take a gander at her blog and social media profiles, if you like!)

Take it away, Dr. Morgante!

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Casey is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse who believes she is “damaged goods” because she is no longer a virgin. Now as an adult, she worries she won’t have her whole heart to give to her future spouse.

Rachel, a 35-year-old Christian woman, feels like something must be wrong with her because she is still single. She wonders why God hasn’t brought her the husband when she’s done things “the right way”.

Jason and Malia have struggled with their sex life since their wedding night. They didn’t have sex before marriage, so they expected that God would bless them with amazing sex. Instead, their sex life has been frustrating and disappointing

These three stories share several commonalities. All of these people were affected by purity culture, the Evangelical teachings of premarital sexual abstinence. All of them bought into the false promises and myths of purity culture. And all of them are now paying the price of purity culture—shame. 

What is Shame?

I am a licensed psychologist who works in private practice. I am not unfamiliar with shame and its effects in my professional work with clients. I am also a 30-something woman who grew up in purity culture and experienced it personally. I know that shame can be crippling to our self-esteem, our self-worth, and ultimately harm our relationships with others and our faith too.

 According to researcher Dr. Brené Brown, shame is the “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”. While guilt can be healthy and adaptive, shame never is.  Guilt is “I did something wrong;” shame is “I am wrong.” 

	Shame	Guilt
Prompting event	Being rejected, doing something that others believe is wrong or immoral; comparing self to a standard and feeling you fall short; being reminded of something wrong, immoral, or “shameful” that you did in the past; having emotions or experiences invalidated	Doing something that violates our own personal values; causing harm to another person or ourselves
Physical sensations	Pit in your stomach, dread, wanting to disappear, wanting to hide or cover, shutting down or blocking emotions, feeling isolated or alienated, dissociation	Hot, red face; nervousness
Action urge	Hiding from others, avoiding, withdrawing, cover up	Cover up and hide or apologize and make amends, fix the damage
Antidote	Be vulnerable with people who won’t reject you, validate yourself	Make changes in our behavior to align with our values, forgive yourself

The Myths of Purity Culture

In my research and writing on purity culture, I’ve identified five myths of purity culture: The Spiritual Barometer Myth, The Fairytale Myth, The Flipped Switch Myth, The Damaged Goods Myth, and The Gatekeepers Myth. Each of these myths promote shame and distorted beliefs, which can lead to difficulties in relationships.

The three stories I opened with illustrate people who have been affected by purity culture. They are unfortunately not unique stories. Survivors of sexual abuse or those who have engaged in premarital sex may feel shame because they bought into the myth that they are damaged goods and are no longer “pure”. People who are single longer than they anticipated may feel shame because God hasn’t brought them a fairytale marriage. Couples who wait until marriage to have sex may struggle to “flip the switch” that takes sex from sinful to sacred and may feel shame instead of connection. They may not have the proper education or realistic expectations of the communication, patience, and work required for a satisfying sex life. 

You may see yourself reflected in one of these stories or there may be other ways purity culture has affected you. Once you identify which purity culture myth affects you, you can begin deconstructing the myths in order to heal from shame.

Healing from Shame

Brené Brown developed shame resilience theory, a way to cultivate empathy, courage, and compassion in order to protect oneself from the damages of shame. A crucial aspect of building shame resilience is recognizing and acknowledging shame. We first have to understand and validate our feelings before we can overcome them.

So how do we heal from the shame of purity culture? How do we apply shame resilience theory to help us understand and move beyond the damaging effects of purity culture myths?

First, recognize your own personal vulnerabilities that contribute to shame. Perhaps you grew up in a very shaming family. Maybe your background includes experiences of sexual abuse and unwanted sexual experiences which left you feeling broken. You might care too much what others think of you and you have difficulty separating your own self-worth from others’ opinions. All these personal factors can contribute to shame-proneness.

Second, recognize the external factors that lead to feelings of shame. For many of us, this includes a religious upbringing of shaming and harsh purity culture messages. We may have internalized the myth that we are “damaged goods” or that women are the “gatekeepers” for men’s sexuality. Or perhaps you are from a cultural background in which bringing shame to the family is considered the worst offense. Take time to become aware of and process these cultural contributions to your shame.

Third, connect with others to receive and offer empathy. Find safe and trustworthy people to share your experiences of shame. As shame resilience theory says, shame grows in secrecy, silence, and judgment, but it cannot survive empathy. It may be hard to find safe people if you have been steeped in a legalistic religious community. Take the steps to find an accepting community. You will realize you are not alone, and many others are working to deconstruct their childhood faith and find self-compassion. 

Last, discuss and deconstruct the feelings of shame. Analyzing where your shame comes from and how it has affected you is the key to deconstructing shame. How did you receive these messages of shame? What reason did your parents, church, friends, and culture have for giving you these shaming messages? In other words, how does your experience of shame benefit these people or institutions? Often we see that shame is a tool that institutions use in order to keep people “in line” so as not to disrupt the social order.

Hope for the Journey

Shame is toxic and can affect every part of our lives. Shame tells us we are bad, damaged, broken, beyond repair, and unworthy of relationships. But overcoming shame is possible. Building shame resilience involves recognizing the effects of shame and deconstructing those feelings with safe and trustworthy people. 

Please don’t underestimate the value of professional therapy for this journey. A licensed mental health professional is trained to be nonjudgmental and accepting. Don’t give up if you have had bad experiences with counselors in the past. Keep looking until you find a therapist who is competent, professional, and validates you. You might look for someone who specializes in the areas of shame, religious and spiritual integration, trauma, or sex therapy, depending on your particular issue.

Also, don’t neglect the role of faith in your healing. For many of us, church and religion represent the source of our shame and pain—not a source of healing. But sometimes the greatest healing comes from having a corrective experience. While a healthy distance from our religious communities might be necessary especially early on in our journeys, you don’t have to completely disassociate from faith in order to heal. You can develop a healthy, grace-filled faith and a God-honoring view of sexuality instead of the distorted, man-made view purity culture taught you. There is hope to reconstruct your faith and restore your relationship with God.

Dr. Camden Morgante is a licensed clinical psychologist who writes about psychology, Christianity, and gender equality on her website and on social media. She is a regular contributor to Christians for Biblical Equality’s blog Mutuality. She is currently working on a book proposal on purity culture. Camden lives with her husband and daughter in Knoxville, Tennessee.

You can take Camden’s free quiz “Which Purity Culture Myth Affects You?”

Follow Camden on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.