How Domestic Violence Survivor Advocacy Informs My Approach to Spiritual Direction

Many years ago I sat in a small seaside office as a domestic violence survivor advocate. My work focused on safety planning, connecting folks with community resources, and facilitating support groups. I loved it. Many days were emotionally difficult, but it informed so much of my life and faith since then, including my approach to spiritual direction.

Transformative Listening

While the survivors of domestic violence I spoke with had very tangible needs, the time spent listening to them was a critical first step. Offering my undivided attention and my belief in their story created a space for trust to grow. I listened long and well before I offered any answers or strategies.

In spiritual direction, listening is at the core of what I do. Directors assume a posture of attentive listening rather than active problem solving. Contrary to the connotations of spiritual direction, there are no answers or instructions given. The act of listening is more than enough to water the seeds of transformation. In my sessions with directees I do this by:

• Quieting my own internal thoughts or opinions to give ample room for directees to reflect.
• Welcoming real-time processing and exploration with a kind, non-judgmental presence.
• Listening without a personal agenda and offering invitations rather than direct instruction or rules.

Power and Control in Religious Beliefs

Through personal study and client education, I spent a lot of time with the Power and Control Wheel as an advocate. If you’re unfamiliar, this image looks like a pie with eight slices. Each slice illustrates examples of abusive behavior. As I sat with clients, mostly women, I watched these eight areas come to life through their stories.

Many of these testimonies included the actions, or inaction, of their church communities. Some church leaders were apathetic towards domestic violence. Others actively supported abusive partners and justified or spun their actions with scripture. It was horrible to witness, yet not surprising. Pastors (or other church leaders) may assume a posture of genuine service, but their role has long been one of power. To varying degrees, they teach, counsel, and enforce various perspectives on morality and righteousness. Pastors’ religious studies or position of authority can be interpreted as proximity to God. If not balanced with encouragement for agency, bodily autonomy, and nuance, “Thus sayth the Lord” can easily be a starting point for religious trauma and the very same abuse outlined in the wheel.

Spiritual direction recognizes the power dynamic often at play in religion and prioritizes a relationship of mutuality rather than of hierarchy. As I listen to a directee reflect, I acknowledge the potential for religious power imbalances and trauma by:

• Believing directees’ experiences and reflections without judgement.
• Inviting directees to step into their own agency as they practice discernment, spiritual disciplines, or explore other faith expressions.
• Creating a safe space for directees to listen to the Spirit’s voice, as they hear it, and make the decision best for them.

Receiving Stories with Care

The concept of story is incredibly important to me. There is so much to learn from our experiences, especially as we gain new perspectives as time goes on. While we live in a digital culture of oversharing our daily lives, sharing challenges, traumas, or other deeply personal things is not always obvious or easy. If they are shared openly, there’s usually a chance we’ll be met with criticism, disbelief, or silence. If they are kept hidden, shame can flourish.

In my role as an advocate I received stories of abuse and healing in all forms. Whether the client sat with me for 15 minutes or an hour, that encounter was significant to me. It took courage to share what they did. I learned to receive it with care.

I do the same thing as a spiritual director. While I love companioning folks on their journey and often ask all sorts of questions, I’m not entitled to anything. I honor what is shared by:

• Respecting directees’ openness and willingness to share with confidentiality.
• Providing my full attention and making eye contact.
• Acknowledging directees’ experiences do not happen in a vacuum and contain influences from individual and collective systems.

From Domestic Violence Advocacy to Spiritual Direction

My experience working with survivors of domestic violence gave me a foundation to understand the importance of sharing our stories, the impact of power and control, and the nature of deep listening within spiritual companionship. While each vocation has distinct responsibilities, I’m grateful for the ways I’ve been able to build upon past experiences to serve directees.